So…. you know when you have had a day where things went unexpectedly better (an exam that totally didn’t destroy you, a concept note for research submitted on time even if it was still kinda half-baked), you kinda want to continue that good streak. Like coming home in time to get in a workout before a hot lunch, and getting in a nap while you can. Of course, when said nap is cut short by charming but nosy guests who generally overstay their visit by haranguing you about getting married, you still want to make sure that you be nice and not be “surly”. These are, after all, friends of the family, and you don’t mind them so much (except when they start with the recriminations, emotional blackmail and guilt-tripping - in which case, here’s my handy guide).

So it’s kinda hard to figure out why you couldn’t have just stuck to the usual when you find the conversation rapidly going from:

Uncle, I didn’t say I never wanted to get married!
[oh, you’re such a scamp! Haha! I like marriage as much as the next person - I just prefer not to go the arranged route!]

….to:

I just haven’t found a guy I like that much, thus far, is all.
[Weeell, OK. I did, once. And there are some potential possibles - it’s just that we are all rational people who prefer to be in the same place at least. Long-distance relationships have left a bad taste in our mouths, it seems.]

….to:

Perhaps, I will think about it more seriously after grad school.
[Because, for real, I am barely managing right now as it is!]

….to:

I should send you my “details”…????
[WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED?!?! Shoulda stayed surly.]

By this time, it was too late for damage control (oh, but how I tried!)

And he has already texted and called me today (!!) - “I have a case in hand! How old are you again??” My mom, sensing a rare lowering-of-defenses moment, badgered me - mostly because I didn’t respond sarcastically with “I’d rather you had two in the bush!” (I did consider it, tbh.)

I sent him the details.

I know. I know that in the greater scheme of things, this is mostly a blip on the radar. I know that this does not have to be a Big Deal that I freak out in this manner.

It’s just that… I would like these things to happen within my own terms. I would like to really deal with some issues first. I would really like to know what it’s like to be engaged in work that is meaningful (and yes, “successful”).

But most of all, I’d like to feel I really have some control over my own life, when that has often not been the case. There’s a reason I don’t make many plans, why I don’t get upset over plans going awry any more. It does not mean I have more control over it… perhaps just that I have given up for now.

Le sigh.